SPECTRE: A Professional Scotsman Review #5

SPOILER FREE Writing's On The Wall Music Video

""Goldfinger's" better than "Dr. No." Both of them are a lot better than "Diamonds Are Forever." A judgment reflected in its relatively poor showing at the box office. And in which field, of course... "Thunderball" was a notable success." -Sickboy, Trainspotting

Who is Sam Smith? I couldn't name a single song he's sung. Though I admit that, like Bond, I'm out of touch, obsolete, a relic from a bygone age. Anyway, I hated Sam Smith's Writing's On The Wall when I first heard it. It sounded like the bagpipes given human voice (an homage to Connery perhaps?) wheezing and deflating its way to a dreich conclusion. The only reason I didn't write a big blog post slagging it off was because I remembered that I also hated Madonna's theme song for Die Another Day (6) too - yet it worked perfectly in the context of that movie. And what do you know? Mr Smith's song fits wonderfully, soaring elegantly, riffing on the classic big sexy Bond sound whilst bringing a welcome, modern male tenderness. So does the rest of the movie match this promising start?

Sam Mendes (what is it about Bonds and Sam's these days? Baron Samedi anyone?) returns as director after the magnificent Skyfall (9) which successfully melded the classic tropes of old Bond with Daniel Craig's brutal, real world take on the character. Spurred on by the success of the competing Bourne franchise, Bond had adapted well to his place in the cinematic landscape and in Skyfall we had possibly the first Bond film that wowed in a stylistic filmmaking sense since Dr No. That slow pan during the silhouetted fight scene atop the neon illuminated skyscraper is, and always will be, breathtaking. Spectre certainly appears to carry this torch forward with its bravura tracking shots, helicopters barrel rolling giddily and overall extremely slick production design. Yet some of the confidence of Skyfall is clearly lacking. Certainly gone is the delicious succinctness and brevity - with at least one tacked on ending too many. In fact, the closest reference movie from its own cannon is clearly Quantum Of Solace (7). Like that film, which followed the dazzling Casino Royale (9), we got a bloated, slightly self congratulatory follow up. Craig's two best Bond films have been created when he had to come out swinging and prove himself. This time there is the faint sense that everyone is coasting. Examples? Okay then, pay attention 007...

Elements that worked in Skyfall are redone to a fault here. Liked Moneypenny in the field? Well now she'll spend the second half of the film running around. Why? No idea. Loved that wonderful moment of surprise heroism from Ralph Fiennes' when he saved Judy Dench? Well, now he's running around Europe saving the whole of MI5. And Q? Well, gone is the old vs young tension between him and Bond in the last movie that hinted at a genuine dislike for one another (which I enjoyed very much - why would a computer whizz be mates with a hired killer anyway?). Well, now they're best pals with Q a wisecracking sidekick doing Bond's every bidding way above and beyond the call of duty. Desmond Llelewyn's Q would have probably shot Craig with a pen dart. And even John Cleese would have matched wit ("Or at least half of it") with more bite. Fiennes, Naomie Harris and Ben Wishaw are all brilliant actors but come, come Mr Mendes, you know better than I that less is infinitely more.

So do you want to know who I did like? I liked Monica Belluci. I think that she is not only one of the most devastatingly beautiful women in cinematic history but she's also a wonderful actress who has never quite got the recognition or roles she deserved. There's a shot of her standing alone at a funeral and it's a remarkable, timeless, femme fatale image of a woman on her own maintaining her poise and grace in the face of death. She also has the best scene in the movie when she's helped by Bond which oozes style, swagger and a genuine note of fear - you know what's coming but Mendes shoots it wonderfully. More of that and we'd be onto another Skyfall. In fact more of Monica Belluci alone would have done it for me. Can you imagine if she was the central Bond girl? Or hell, even the main villain? My God she'd have blown Craig off the screen... ahem, sorry, that's a little too Moore-esque smut isn't it? And it's not really fair; Craig has always stretched his acting chops brilliantly when pitted against a high calibre opponent. Think of his gruelling torture scene with Mads Mikkelsen in Casino Royale. Or his surprise gay acquiesce with Javier Bardem ("Oh, Mr Bond!"). Both these scenes were played bravely and boldly - and having a 50 year old wise and sophisticated Bond girl - someone who could rebuff his advances with ease - would have gone some way to matching this aspect. But no, she's too old (yet only a few years older than Craig) so we can't have that.

So how does Christoph Waltz shape up as the mysterious villain? Well, it's all a little Austin Powers - complete with a guided tour of his facility and everything. Don't get me wrong - Waltz could give me a guided tour of a sewage works and I'd be enraptured but if I'm honest he needed more to do. No, if fact he needed less. They should have kept him in the shadows. The main muscle villain is quite effective - he has a fun (if slowish) car chase with Bond through Rome and a bone crunching fight on a train. But, okay, here are two issues with his character that sort of exemplify the film's overarching problems. First off, he tries to kill Bond on the train. Fine, here we're referencing From Russia With Love and Live And Let Die... but after Bond survives (oops, sorry, belated #SPOILER ALERT#) Waltz then gives him said tour of his facility. What - so he wanted him dead on the train but now that he's made it past the final boss he wins a tour of his facility? Wha? Makes no sense. And as for the henchman himself - he's a big laddie no doubt and instantly draws parallels to Richard Kiel's wonderful Jaws from the Moore era. Like the new guy, Jaws only had one line of dialogue across two movies ("Here's to us") but he could emote so well that with only a grin or furrowed brow we totally got his character. Quite frankly the new dude isn't nearly as memorable in this regard. And if you're going to raise these ghosts of the past, or 'spectre's' if you will, yet fail to define yourself in a new way, then you are doomed to come of as a bit of a knock off.

FINAL ANALYSIS: All the high brow critics seem really impressed with Mark Kermode and The Guardian both totally loving it. But, well there's no other way to put it - they're wrong. Spectre is a return to the Moore and Brosnan-esque type of big adventure with all the strengths and pitfalls that entails. It wasn't what I was hoping for honestly but if it's Craig's last outing as Bond I suppose I would be quite happy that he'd at least run the gamut of what he could do with the character. Time for another reboot then. Unless... okay listen up again 007, THIS is how the next film should be done; we have Idris Elba star... but as 008 - NOT in the much touted role of 007. Craig stays on as Bond and he and Elba spend a movie quipping and ultimately punching it out before saving the day together. 007 could even die at the end (which Craig would love). Ooft. I just gave myself shivers.

FINAL SCORE: Double oh 7 out of 10. Shaken, but not stirred.

ALTERNATE TITLE: Quantum Of Skyfall