AVENGERS: INFINITY WAR; A Professional Scotsman Review #25

### SPOLIER REVIEW!!! ### Watch Avengers Infinity War Retro Trailer

Bart: Ohh, all these new superheroes suck! None of them can hold a candle to "Radioactive Man".

Milhouse: The only decent new one is "Radiation Dude".

Bart: Nah, he's just a cheap imitation of Radioactive Man.

Milhouse: Explain.

Bart: The similarities are subtle, but many. For example, Radioactive Man has his famous catch phrase, "Up and at 'em!" with "at 'em" spelled A-T-O-M in a delicious pun.

Milhouse: Go on...

Bart: While Radiation Dude has a similar but lamer catch phrase, "Up and let's go!"

I saw this film in the theatre a few months back but have really wanted to talk about it in a spoiler review so I have waited until I assume most of those who want to have seen it. In general I haven't been watching many of the Marvel films recently - I skipped both Doctor Strange and Thor: Ragnarok, both of which had very intriguing trailers, but I'd been burnt too many times before. I freely admit it's not really my thing though I respect what Marvel are doing greatly and it's hilarious to consider how far the genre has come (check out the Retro Trailer in the link above and ponder - with equal delight and horror what could have been). I only genuinely love the first Ironman [shaky 9] and the first Avengers film [8] (which now looks a little made for TV) and I like the way Guardians Of The Galaxy [8] was directed - it's one of the few Marvel films with a unique feel and style. No surprise really that they eventually kicked off the director James Gunn on that after his second film - partly because of some dodgy tweets but it also seems that the Marvel expanded universe is not a place for much individuality stylistically. I actually find the disastrous series of DC superhero films more entertaining in a car crash kind of way though they're inferior products. Most pertinently the last Avengers film; The Age Of Ultron [6], was very disappointing. That is except for James Spader as Ultron who was on a solid, vibranium hard 10. Admittedly however his villain wasn't much of a threat - he was just hilarious - and that's an issue this new Avengers outing deals with immediately - Thanos is a grave threat - literally to the entire universe and every sentient creature in it. First time we see him he flings the Hulk around like an empty shellsuit and kills fan favourite Loki by strangulation. Legit villain.

[Rehearsing for the role of "Radioactive Man"]

Rainer Wolfcastle: Up and at them.

Dialogue coach: No, "Up and atom".

Rainer Wolfcastle: Up and at them.

Dialogue coach: Up and *atom*.

Rainer Wolfcastle: Up and at them.

Dialogue coach: [frustrated] Better.

And thank the Scandinavian gods someone important finally dies in a Marvel film. I'm so bored by no one ever dying. 19 films into the Marvel expanded universe and who's died? Quicksilver in the last Avengers film - a poor incarnation of a character the X-Men films have completely owned - who was ultimately meaningless (both in life and death). Also all the bloodless villain deaths lessen much of the combat impact. Go and watch the first 3 Indiana Jones films [all 10s]. Do you know how many people Indy murders? Dozens upon dozens. Violently. And if you're going to make an action movie with deaths you may as well make it bloody and violent otherwise you're actually lying about violence - even comic book violence. Ach, I know I know - Marvel films are partly kids films so I just have to deal with that - and I did, hence my avoidance of them recently. I am, after all, a jaded 80s kid who grew up on Paul Verhoven OTT splatterfests. It's all downhill from there really isn't it? Yet, as I say, the stakes are raised here with Loki's death (if he comes back I'll be pure raging) and particularly Gommorah's death in the middle and I felt myself suitably engaged for the first time in years. Okay movie, you got me.

[Putting on safety goggles as a river of acid sweeps him away]

Rainer Wolfcastle: My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

Gomorrah's is a great death scene - one which gives Thanos even deeper pathos (ha ha Thanos sounds like Pathos - I wonder if that's deliberate?) but again I can't help but think she'll be back... Then I checked - she is! She's in the freakin' cast list for Guardians Of The Galaxy Volume 3!!! And it's a nagging feeling that I had through the entire film regarding every character death. Even at the end, when Thanos wins and half the universe is snuffed out in the click of his chunky fingers, I was not buying it for a second. All these characters will return as I'm sure the dead half of the Universe will. So I found it impossible to be fully emotionally invested even though it was done fairly well. Should I just kick back and enjoy it for what it is? Well no - the brilliance of the MCU is that all the films are interlocked, related and prop each other up - making the whole almost greater than all the individual strands. And if this is a boon then it also works against it too.

Director: Congratulations, Bart Simpson, you're our new Fallout Boy! That's what I would be saying if you weren't an inch too short. Next!

Josh Brolin as Thanos wins the acting awards hands down though everyone else is solid enough. Spiderman is good, Dr Strange is suitably serious. However Downey Jr is slightly on autopilot as Ironman and doesn't seem as quick or edgy as he was in his first iteration - possibly the scripts fault or maybe Robert is tired. Thor is great this time, his team up with The Guardians Of The Galaxy is hilarious and they're kinda the only ones who can really pull off the quip-tastic stuff this time without it being forced. Some of the dialogue is poor - I think Vision and his love story with Scarlett Witch (still not buying her accent) is sub-Titanic (that's bad) and is a shame because I'm a huge Paul Bettany fan and wish he'd been served better with the writing. Their scenes in Edinburgh are beautiful but I've never seen Fleshmarket Close or the station so completely deserted at 10pm. It's really bizarre seeing your home city given the Hollywood treatment. It's both exhilarating and frustrating - even T2: Trainspotting [8] made Edinburgh look spare and ethereal. Maybe it is? Must get my head up next time I go home... Also, the movie references within the film were unnecessary. I like Aliens [10] a lot but name checking it is not needed - they could have referenced it better with a quote rather than just saying it. But I'm getting caught up in nitpickery…

Lunchlady Doris: At last the world is safe, eh, Fallout Boy?

Ralph Wiggum: What's for lunch tomorrow?

Director: Next!

Ralph Wiggum: Chicken necks?

In fact if it feels like I'm being very hard on the movie it's because it actually can stand up to scrutiny as a "proper" movie for the first time in a while. I like the galaxy hopping nature of the film. I liked that everyone got an emotional beat - sometimes beautifully. And I particularly liked how they all interacted - both in conversation and through action. It can't be easy to jam this many personalities into one satisfying movie but the Russo brothers pull it off very well. I can imagine fans absolutely loving this aspect - I think I liked Thor, Rabbit and Ironman the best despite Downey Jr's slightly off performance. Even at 80% power he's still a riot. Peter Dinklage's cameo was a let down - he was doing a silly voice - which is a shame because I'm a huge fan of his, though I still enjoyed the scene itself very much... I'm still nit picking... Sorry. The SFX are mostly fantastic but I still think Spiderman looks a little stretchy and plasticky at times. And the music is a bit generic and OTT - except at the end where it's subtle and perfect. One hilarious thing... I'm waiting for the cameo at the end of the credits and the music is ramping up to a hilarious degree... when all of a sudden I realise I'm staring at reams and reams of crew names (a couple of which I knew - go Scotland!) and the music takes on a new dimension - as if it's emphasising the hugeness of the production itself. It made me chuckle ironically but also made me appreciate how well the whole team had done in harnessing such an enormous workforce into making such a satisfying outcome.

[Pushing through the mob upon learning Milhouse got the role of Fallout Boy]

Lionel Hutz: Out of the way... Milhouse, baby! Lionel Hutz, your new agent, body guard, unauthorized biographer, and drug dealer...er, keeper-awayer.

FINAL ANALYSIS: The villain is one for the ages and the final shot is, dare I say it: daring. The best is any Marvel film except for when Tony Stark says: "I am Iron Man." at the end of Iron Man. I loved all the death and despair at the end and the impactful losses throughout the film but you and I both know that most of them will not - simply cannot - be permanent. So I found myself being both delighted and paradoxically angry with the end. Because if no one dies in these cataclysmic battles then what's the point? But compared to the DC mess of a franchise this is still the greatest example of a movie franchise wheeled out in smart order - giving the fans both exactly what they want and catering (via the fact that it's all rip roaring and funny) to a less invested audience. However, and to the film's credit - you will really enjoy it best if you're deeply familiar will all the movies and characters leading up to it. And what of the sequel to this to come next year? Well now I have to see it - for only in that films conclusion can I truly evaluate this movie. Very smart on the producers part for they indeed now have my cojones in the hand of their own Infinity Gauntlet.

SCORE: If they hold to their initial convictions and at least some of the people that died stay dead then it's at least a solid 7 - in fact I'll give it an 8 if two of the familiar characters from the other films stay dead. But if they all come back in the next movie then I'm sorry but I'm bumping this to a 6 because it'll have disappointed me more than any other.

ALTERNATE TITLE: Avengers: Infinate War, Literally No Permanent Deaths - Except For Quicksilver Who Wasn't A Good Character Anyway.