THE PREDATOR; A Professional Scotsman Review #23

"It's time to let 'Ol Painless out of the bag."

1987's Predator [10], where Arnie fights a technologically superior alien that has slaughtered his elite commando unit in a sweaty jungle, is a 10. And a solid 10 at that. Ah, Predator's ten-ness - let me count the ways... with 10 things about Predator that I'd give a 10:

1) The music. So classy for what could have been conceived as a B-movie.

2) The dialogue. It's very tongue and cheek, almost a parody of the most macho movie ever, up until they start getting scared then it's no longer funny.

3) The characterisation. Every member of the team is perfectly and memorably defined by their words and actions. And as far as quotability is concerned it's so off the charts that I'm only bothering to quote the minor but extremely memorable character of Blaine, played by the fabulous Jesse Ventura, in between my paragraphs.

4) The performances. As good as the writing is each performer brings their A game. Arnold's best role at that point in his career, only subsequently matched by T2 [10], Total Recall [10] and True Lies [8].

5) The SFX. Oscar nominated no less; wildly inventive in both the iconic creature design and the way they implement the creature's invisibility.

6) The concept. That your technology is your weakness because you're so outclassed and the only way to beat the villain is by regressing strategically and tactically.

7) It's extremely violent. I like violence done violently. Anything else is basically a lie.

8) The setting. The South American jungle turns it into almost a primordial battle and also parallels the Vietnam conflict to a degree.

9) The direction by John McTiernan. The action is beautifully shot and coordinated, the editing tight, the story ruthlessly focused.

10) The alien itself. The threat of the villain is so cleverly built up, with such brilliant suspense, and what it truly looks like is only fully revealed in the final fight. In this respect it's at least as cinematic as a Hitchcock thriller or something as iconic as Jaws.

[Referencing his chewing tobacco]

"This stuff will make you a goddamned sexual Tyrannosaurus, just like me!”

I hope it's now clear that Predator is a movie I adore as I know many do. In fact the only people who don't like Predator are people who haven't yet seen it. So early reports of a troubled production for the reboot had me deeply concerned. The 6th movie in a 30 year franchise is always going to be problematic - where can you take it after all this time? For the record my ratings for the series go: Predator [10], Predator 2 [8], Aliens Vs Predator [6], Aliens Vs Predator: Requiem [4] and lastly Predators [7]. There was also talk of heavy studio interference, extensive reshoots and even the removal of a complete character when the actor in real life was revealed as a sex offender. In the desperately needed plus column I was very glad that it's a bonefide sequel (remakes these days are generally failures - particularly when the OG is pure lightning in a bottle) and it was directed and co-written by Shane Black. Black helped with dialogue in the OG (and even plays the filthy mouthed Hawkins in it too) and was now teamed with the very capable Fred Dekker of Monster Squad [8] fame. [Props to Mark Kermode for pointing out it was made by Black and Dekker]. Black's history as a writer of tough but witty dialogue heavy scripts speaks for itself - Lethal Weapon, [9] The Last Boy Scout [8] et al - but he's also a director of considerable talent in his own right; Kiss Kiss Bang Bang [8] and The Nice Guys [8] are both absolutely hilarious genre deconstructions. I guess it shouldn't really have come as much of a surprise then to discover that the latest film is pretty much a flat out comedy. Now... was this a good idea?

"You lose it here, you're in a world of hurt."

The OG had funny moments with its macho dialogue and most infamously Shane Black's Hawkins two un PC jokes about female genitalia which are deliberately silly. In The Predator it's as if those two jokes form the basis of almost every male character interaction. Most notably when our hero is thrown in a bus with a bunch of military casualties of the mind. This is after he witnesses a Predator ship crashing on earth and the authorities wish to throw his mental faculties into question as part of a cover up. As he meets his new squad of nutters the banter becomes unceasingly manic - an aspect that continues throughout the film, turned up to 11 as it were. Some of this is genuinely funny - and round about the middle it peaks because we've settled into it more and watching each individual acting out their particular psychotic tic in relation to the others is not without its charm. But it can be jarring in what's originally a tense, horror premise and some jokes crash flat. Yet there are more hits than misses; my favourite being the moments when the team meet both the female characters and their macho/unhinged ridiculousness is thrown into sharp relief. Watching them try to be genuinely sweet is brilliantly acted by all and proper hilarious. The only problem is that later on this backfires somewhat when we're suddenly asked to take certain deaths seriously. On that note, and an aspect I liked very much: it's really violent. The monster(s) wreak tremendous and threatening carnage, the deaths are gruesome: it earns its R-rating.

"You're hit, you're bleeding man."

"I ain't got time to bleed."

Yet for all the funny banter I can't tell you a single person's name. In the OG you've got Mack, Blaine, Billy, Dillon, Dutch... even the name Hopper lingers in the mind and you only ever see him skinned! I honestly can't even tell you what the main character is called. He's okay as an actor but he's no Arnie in his prime or even Danny Glover from Predator 2. One positive - the CIA-ish villain is excellent (still don't know what he's called though). He's absolutely hysterical; a perfect jerk too and he knows it, relishing both aspects with so much glee that it's hard to dislike him. Jake Busey's cameo appearance is funny to a geek like me (his Dad played a memorable CIA nutcase in Predator 2) and Olivia Munn makes an impression as a no nonsense civilian scientist. Why she's also a bit of an action hero is never really explained - whatever, she gives it gusto - but having a kid as one of the main characters in an R-rated action movie is harder to understand. Yes, his peril naturally creates some tension and he's an okay actor and to be fair his story strand works very well; it is at least an unorthodox set up for a violent movie. I just don't really want kids in my bloody monster mayhem unless the filmmaker has the cojones to kill them off too. Also; it's funny these days that you cant really have two leads get together anymore. I blame the new Star Wars films to be honest: somehow sexual chemistry between a male and female lead is deemed a weakness I'm guessing? Not sure what's happened there. The film didn't need any romance but I'm just intrigued as to why no one seems to try anymore. Like I said in my Meg review the two leads get together without a single kiss! Here, our lead doesn't even get to resolve his relationship with his estranged wife. Poor guy.

"He's dug in deeper than an Alabama tick."

You know it's funny - I did enjoy this film earlier today in the cinema and I could hear a lot of the audience getting into it. I'm just finding it harder to explain exactly why (partly because I have literally just watched the masterful OG). Okay, focus... I'm acting like Mack after Blaine gets killed... gotta focus up... Okay. What's realy bothering me now is that the storyline is an absolute mess - I actually didn't know what was going on at one point. Why are they looking for the Predator's ship now? I thought that crashed? Why's that suddenly important? Wait... Now they've been captured by the government stooges? Why did they let that happen seen as they're armed? These are the reshoots showing themselves extremely clearly and it's a shame because to the film's credit these things weren't really bothering me because it was funny and the action was good fun. In fact it's all really quite bonkers which is a good thing. It takes risks and at least fails from trying too hard than just by giving you more of the same. It's only on reflection that I realise quite how messy it was. In fact it's a compliment as much as a dis to say that it's an absolute hot mess. I'm also trying (desperately) to imagine a world in which I'd never seen the first film... I think you'd enjoy it for what it is: an entertaining, wisecracking, action movie with a monster or two in it. Speaking of which, and it's the careening nature of the film itself that means I've taken this long to get to what most people are going to see, what of these monsters? As seen in the trailer: there are two. The first is superbly realised - probably the best man-in-a-suit work to date. As for the other - it's scary at first but sometimes the CGI is apparent. The CGI is defo required though because it's astonishingly huge: almost comic book-esque in its size. And on the topic of comic books we come to: the ending...

“Come on in, you f**kers.”

[He clicks open the safety on the minigun] “Come on in. Ol’ Painless is waitin’."

FINAL ANALYSIS: ...which is terrible! I won't spoil it but basically it has a (clearly rewritten) comic book ending that's just dreadful. Tonally completely misjudged - the Predator franchise is not for kids so why on earth they thought this was the was to go is baffling. Also it contradicts the entire movie - essentially the first predator's motivation now completely contradicts what it did at the start. I won't say anymore but please - if you've seen it - tell me what you think of it. Maybe you liked it? Now, is it unfair to compare it to the original? Absolutely not. And in that regard the OG is always going to skin it and make a trophy of it's skull. Am I overrating the original? It's certainly possible and at the very least I understand the direction they've tried to take the new film. Yet whilst on paper Shane Black is the best candidate to helm a genre deconstructing reboot - something somewhere is off. Which is a shame because I'm pretty sure that John McTiernan isn't up to much these days. Surely he deserved a chance to reboot his own franchise? Anyway, for all the negativity I've thrown in this review, I very much enjoyed the theatre experience. So if you fancy it and you're prepared to just go with it then you're gonna have you some fun... gonna have you some fun... gonna have you some fun...

"This s**t’s something. It makes Cambodia look like Kansas."

FINAL SCORE: Bizarrely; one of the best comedies of the year. Deeply flawed and I'm sure some will absolutely hate it. Both the critics and audience score on Rotten Tomatoes are abysmal - Kermode almost gave a non review - so please think carefully about whether it's possibly your jam or not. Yet, for reasons I'm struggling to articulate, I still found it eminently watchable. The ending is an absolute clunker though. Like it's characters; its a riotous, wrong headed but still entertaining 7.

ALTERNATE TITLE: Predator 6.