THE NUN: A Professional Scotsman Review #24

#SPOILER FREE# Watch Trailer

The Blues Brothers approach the orphanage. Elwood opens the door on a dimly lit staircase. Jake and Elwood nervously begin to slowly climb the creaking old stairs. Near the top they both stop and stare at a horrific statue of Christ on the cross with blood dripping from his head. The door behind them at the bottom of the stairs mysteriously slams shut on its own. Spooked - they approach the door at the top. Just before Elwood knocks on the door, a voice is heard from inside.

NUN: "Who is it?"

ELWOOD: "Jake and Elwood."

NUN: "Come in."

The door in front of them mysteriously opens by itself to reveal the Nun sitting at a desk.

I guess when you go to see a 15 rated movie you assume everyone will (naughty kids aside) be over 15. What I didn't anticipate was that everyone would only be 15. For the record (who's, I dunno) I'm 39. Whilst being my age isn't very cool at the very least I know to shut up when watching a film - which admittedly might be 'cos I was on my own and had no pals to talk to. So straight away I'm a bit grumpy cos everyone's having fun and chatting away. Thankfully, The Nun is really loud - the sort of film that my mum would say was "Too darned loud". So there was an equilibrium at play whereby the crashing loudness that would piss off the generation above me drowned out the obnoxious fun of the generation below me and low and behold: I had a pretty decent time.

They enter the room. Once in the door shuts mysteriously behind them of its own accord.

NUN: "Hello boys, nice to see you. Please, have a seat."

Jake and Elwood sit on the only seats present - two small school desks at back of room.

NUN: "No no boys. Come over here in front of me. I want to see your faces."

They very awkwardly shuffle up a bit closer in unison.

NUN: "The county took a tax assessment of this property last month. They want five

thousand dollars..."

These days there's so much info out there that you pretty much know if a film is going to flop or be poor many months before it's released. I watch a couple YouTube channels that are basically devoted to castigating a movie months before anyone's even seen it. What I'm trying to say is that I've read (and watched) a lot of reviews of The Nun in the last few days that said it was garbage. And it's possible that's in part because people have misjudged what it was going to be. As part of The Conjuring [8] extended universe I think that there was an expectation that it would be a slightly classier, subtle horror movie. Instead, it's a flat out throw everything at the audience, slightly bonkers, haunted house ghost story. If anything it could probably be termed: The Evil Dead In A Habit. Actually given that it's heroine and villain are both female let's go with: Evil Sister Act.

JAKE: "Forget it, five grand; no problem, we'll have it for you in the morning. Let's go Elwood."

NUN: "NO NO! I will not take your filthy stolen money."

JAKE: "Well then, I guess you're really up shit creek."

'WHACK!!!' The nun hits Jake on the hand with a ruler.

NUN: "I beg your pardon what did you say?"

JAKE: "I offered to help you. You refused to take our money, then I said "I guess you're really up shit creek."

As far as establishing the scene goes it's all good; appropriately hokey and spooky. The Nunnery is a great piece of set design and the Romanian location suitably remote and eerie. The characters are fairly by the numbers but likeable and well drawn enough. A little bit of fat on the skeletal characterisation would have been much appreciated though - and maybe would have slowed down the out of control roller coaster ride slightly and made the hectic plunges emotionally deeper. But here's the rub: it's jump scare-tastic! And while some of these are not completely earned they're all at least competently executed. I found it physically exhausting - and I don't mean that as a negative.

The Nun hit's Jake again.

ELWOOD: "Christ Jake take it easy, man."

NUN: "Elwood!"

She hits him for blasphemy then starts hitting them both repeatedly as the language deteriorates every time they get hit.

ELWOOD: "Ahh you fat penguin!"

The ruler breaks and the Nun reaches for a sword. Jake and Elwood flee desperately, still trapped in their school desks and go tumbling down the stairs.

What's wrong with jump scares anyway? If the film was trying to be The Shining [10] then it would jar tonally but it's not - it's the 6th film in a franchise and isn't trying to reinvent the wheel. It's supposed to be spooky fun and if you're up for it then spooky fun it is. While I enjoyed Hereditary [8] recently it tried to be all classy but then ultimately had people flying about and getting possessed. Essentially, just because you're sophisticated doesn't mean you aren't ridiculous. Sometimes you want your horror delivered with a hissing Nun with bloody teeth. Also everyone agrees that Nun's are inherently scary: even Nuns probably.

The Nun looms over them at the top of the stairs.

NUN: "You are such a disappointing pair. I prayed so hard for you. It saddens and hurts me that the two young men whom I raised to believe in the ten commandments have returned to me as two thieves, with filthy mouths and bad attitudes. Get out! And don't come back until you've redeemed yourselves."

Without moving a muscle, the Nun floats backwards into her office whereupon the door mysteriously closes by itself.

FINAL ANALYSIS: It's a riot of silly. Just be very aware that's it's VERY silly so don't expect much to chew on philosophically. Though you may take it home with you... Most specifically the hauntingly deep sound of Gregorian chant that seems to emanate from the ground and a timeless place, permeating your very soul, that accompanies every appearance of the ghastly Mother Infernal. It's as effective as any high art horror Oscar contender has ever been. And whilst I greatly respect Mark Kermode as a reviewer, he practically again gave this film a non review. Mark - you do realise that your favourite film, The Exorcist [shaky 10], is fundamentally about a wee lassie spewing?

SCORE: It's absolute nonsense but I had a great time. Also all the 15 year olds in the Peckhamplex audience applauded at the end. So a snob free 7 it is.

ALTERNATE TITLE: Nuns On The... RUN!!!