STARWARS - THE FORCE AWAKENS; A Professional Scotsman Review #6

#MINOR SPOILERS# Limmy's Critique Of The Force Awakens

YOGURT: "I am the keeper of a greater magic, a power known throughout the universe as the..."

BARF: "...the Force?"

YOGURT: "No, the Schwartz!"

So the new Starwars film was pretty good. It had a few little nigles and a couple of major ones but overall I enjoyed it. Thanks for reading this review! Hope you enjoyed it - sorry it took so long to finish. Don't forget to throw me a like and maybe share this if you want. See you guys next time!

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Hang on a par sec... What do you mean you want me to do more? Why? It’ll probably just piss you off if I do. You see it seems like a lot of people love the film, a lot of people think it’s okay and you don't have to go far (far away) to find people that hate it. So nomatter what I say I’m going to upset someone. Now, that's the case with every movie but given the depth of feeling associated with the Starwars universe I should propably tread carefully. Hang on… upset someone? Good. GOOOOOODDD!!!

LONE STAR: "Did I miss something? When did we get to Disneyland?"

It was weird seeing the Disney logo on a 'Wars movie wasn't it? I wasn't too worried: Starwars is for kids after all - even big ones. Yet although all remnants of the percieved infantilisation of the prequels by Lucas seems to have been expunged, when the movie started I quickly realised that it was very much mostly still for children. ZAP! BOF! POW! A dashing hero is off on a mission! Wait, what's going on? Doesn't matter! There's the bad guy already - BOO! HISS! Cool, just like old Starwars! Straight into it, no screwing around. That's good, right? Okay, so first obvious issue – the movie is oestensibly a soft reboot and not really a true sequel. It's practically a beat for beat copy of A New Hope with elements of Empire and Jedi thrown in for good measure. This was an extremely wise move by JJ Abrams from a box office stand point – it got all the old fans onside again and, hey, it worked for the reboot of the Star Trek franchise. Very similar to Jurassic World actually in that it was just the same old stuff repackaged slickly to make a killing financially. Ultimately, I didn’t mind that, though I was initially a tiny bit dissapointed and hope that in the next film they move past all the call backs, all the homages and all the outright theft of the famous elements and scenes from the old films and do their own thing. But I better talk about what I did like before I start slagging the movie off - chopping it's hand off if you will. So, as it's appropriate, let’s call this section... the upside of the Schwartz.

DARK HELMET: "I see your Schwartz is as big as mine. Now, let's see how well you handle it."

There were many things I really enjoyed; it's funny, I laughed quite a bit. Han Solo was decent. As Limmy points out in his review (see link above) he sounds a bit punchy but I guess he would and he certainly recaptured some of the fun of the character, but now with a little more welcome gravitas. My mum (who’s not the biggest fan of the series) said he was easily the best thing about the movie which is worth considering as she's not a total daftie. The ariel dogfights were thrilling. Haven’t said that about a movie for a long time – you could easily tell what was going on for the most part. I know it seems like I’m damning the film with faint praise here but these aspects were so crucial in making the movie feel like old Starwars. Well choreographed action scenes are critical ingredients and it's surprising how often the ball is dropped on this one - The Force Awakens nailed this completely. As for the light sabre battles - they don't try to be ground breaking in the fight department like, say, The Matrix was at the time - but make them augment character development and actually move the story along which was very well handled I thought. In fact there's only one big light sabre fight (like in A New Hope) which is fine as the prequels had loads of stylistically amazing but contextually adrift light sable duels and everyone complained. I quite enjoyed the new characters, with the villain Kylo Ren the most interesting. I wish I could call him Kylo Ten but I can’t yet – maybe once his training is complete in the next movie? I have to say when I first saw the film I liked the new lead female character, Rey, but since then I’ve been reading a lot about her being a Mary Sue character which has given me pause for thought. What's a Mary Sue character? Do your own bloody research! Okay, okay, wikipedia defines them as: "... an idealised fictional character, a young or low-rank person who saves the day through unrealistic abilities". The original Mary Sue was a fan fiction character for Star Trek in the 70s who was the greatest hero ever written. And yes, whilst she does seem to be amazing at everything she at least has struggles to go through, suffers loss and I rooted for the lass. Boyega's character was fun as the stormtrooper turned good though when he starts talking about "cute boyfriends" I wondered when stormtroopers were trained to speak in 21st century American vernacular? Uh oh, I'm starting to slag it off again aren't I? Well, it's just that in order to become a complete and wise reviewer, you must embrace a more critical view of The Force Awakens... sorry. No one is going to get a Revenge Of The Sith paraphrase are they? Absolutely no one.

DARK HELMET: “No, no, no. Go past this. Pass this part. In fact, never play this again.”

Okay 1) How many characters are there? Too many. 2) Kylo Ren is neutered as a villain when he is easily beaten by Rey - a Virgin force user. 3) How many coincidences are there? Where did Han Solo come from? 4) Why is there a huge planet sized death star when the last two were easily destroyed? 5) What planets did said new death star (okay, okay it's called the Starkiller Base) destroy and why? 6) How did the pilot Poe Dameron survive when their Tie Fighter crashed? He just appeared at the end. It reminded me of when Ralph is killed by Goliath in a Simpsons episode but then saves the day and Bart says: "Ralph! I thought you were dead?!?" And Ralph just says: "Nope." And that's it. 7) Domhnall Gleeson isn't a very convincing actor in this - see his underwhelming turns in Ex Machina and The Revenant for more proof. He might be a good actor but to me he always looks too young for the parts he gets. 8) Those CGI octopus monsters that chase Han Solo around look very out of place in a movie that predominantly uses practical effects very well. 9) That Scottish guy was horrendous!!! If any one knows him please tell him from me that he was the Jar Jar of The Force Awakens. Not only does a Scottish accent sound weird in a Starwars movie but the dude's dialogue was stilted and forced (heh heh). Actually there's a lot of stuff wrong with it. Google 'The Force Awakens sucks' and the internet will provide you will provide you with more firepower that a planet destroying Starkiller Base. And finally 10) A certain character's death is telegraphed and slightly pointless.

DARK HELMET: "WHAT? You went over my helmet?"

FINAL ANALYSIS: The film is both a wonderful throwback to the fun and verve of the first trilogy and simultaneously a lazy retread, cynically cashing in on what fanboys want and not striking out in its own new direction. And the slavish devotion to going over old ground actually came across to me as lacking in confidence after a while which was surprising given such a strong, brazen start. Bizarrely (and this won't be popular) the prequels are much braver works of art. Please note I did not say 'better' - I said 'braver'. What? They are! They take more chances. Say what you want about Jar Jar, Lucas was trying something new. What's new in this movie? I can't think of a single thing. Did I enjoy it? Aye, quite a bit. But the movie's strengths (familiarity and fast pace) are also conversely its weaknesses and as they cannot be untangled I found the movie both fun and frustrating.

LONE STARR: "Helmet! So, at last we meet for the first time for the last time."

SCORE: Okay, I'm slinging it a shaky 8. Personally I enjoyed Revenge Of The Sith more (9) 'cos I at least felt that film was for adults (and The Emperor is on fire) but this did a lot right. More than it did wrong. Yet it's a surprisingly tame movie for kids. And if it wasn't a Starwars movie it would just be a decent kids film, nothing more, nothing less. Search your feelings. You know it to be true.

ALTERNATE TITLE: Spaceballs The Movie