BATMAN V SUPERMAN: DAWN OF JUSTICE; A Professional Scotsman Review #8

#MINOR SPOILERS#

"I'm not a Nerd, Bart. Nerds are smart." -Milhouse Van Houten

A lot of people assume I'm a comic book nerd. But I'm not - honest. I just have all the trappings of a nerd (smart, handsome, athletic) but without the knowledge of comics. Aye, I've read a few. And bizarrely I've actually read Superman and Batman versus Aliens and Predator. And ken what? It was brilliant. Great fun and because of the poetic succinctness inherent in the comic form, what could come across as cheesy or daft comes across as artistic, poignant and epic. And if that mental proposition can work on the page then surely it's not too much of a stretch to get the two biggest DC comic book heroes working on the screen?

"Up and at them!" -Radioactive Man

I'm not really gonna get into the story itself mostly because it's a bit all over the place and I wouldn't know where to start. I will say that the film has a thrilling beginning with Ben Affleck (superb in the role of an older, jaded Batman) diving into the 9/11 style destruction which occurred in the forerunner, Man Of Steel. They've kind of brilliantly retconned the last film's OTT devastation, which was criticised by almost everyone, into being the direct motivation for Batman to hate Superman. In fact the Caped Crusader's antagonism is beautifully stoked and developed. Which is funny 'cos no one else's motivation is at all. Superman sort of hates Batman's vigilanteism - but if he looked in the the mirror he'd surely realise he was exactly the same, no? Hypocritical alien... sorry, that's a bit racist. But I found myself enjoying thinking about these quandaries and almost theological contemplations (what WOULD it mean to have a God in our midsts?) even if the film itself doesn't do a very good job of addressing these issues.

"My eyes! The goggles do nothing!" -Radioactive Man

So I'm sitting there watching the film with my Mum (I was home visiting - I don't live with her - honest) and though she likes to be "current" and "trendy" I could feel her resistance to such a ridiculous proposition growing almost from the opening credits. And then all of a sudden Batman is fighting aliens in a weird post apocalyptic wasteland for absolutely no reason and I almost turned to my Mum and apologised for the film's lack of coherence. What was going on? I, still to this day, several days after watching it, have absolutely no idea what was going on. Add in a cameo from The Flash (I only found out it was The Flash when I did some research) and my confusion compounded in on itself and I almost mentally checked out of the movie right then and there. Now, I get that they are trying to set up a Justice League movie (I have no idea who the Justice League are just as I had no idea who The Avengers were before they became everyone's favourite superhero team) but all these digressions practically grind an already slow movie to a shuddering halt. And then there's Lex Luthor played by Mark Zuckerberg. Uh... I mean Mark Zuckerberg. Uh, sorry I mean Jesse Zuckerberg. Sorry, sorry Jesse Eisenberg. The kindest thing I could say about him is that he'd be one of the better acted villains in Batman And Robin which is the definition of damning with faint praise.

"Jiminy jellickers!" -Fallout Boy

So the film is an undisputed diaspora of non-sequiturs, weird pacing, full stops and occasional flat dialogue. And yet... Henry Cavill has developed nicely into a more nuanced Clarke Kent/Superman. He even started to remind me of the best of Reeve's superlative incarnation - despite being served with little dialogue and not much character development. The dude can actually act - please give him more to do next time. The action is heavy and stylish if ridiculous but I can accept this even as I wish things were more restrained. I realise it's inevitable cinema will become more like a computer game - even Nolan's ruggedly realistic take on Batman already seems now quaintly outdated. As ridiculous as Wonder Woman's appearance was it's in keeping tonally with the rest of the movie's vibe - Gail Gadot is very easy on the eye even if her acting chops are somewhat teething. And if the film isn't as "funny" as Marvel superhero films? Well, so damn what. I thought that Marvel's Avengers: Age Of Ultron was a bit gash (5) except for James Spader who was on a SOLID 10 and saved it from complete disaster. Just.

FINAL ANALYSIS: If you want to dislike this film there's plenty to dislike. But if you want to enjoy it there are undoubted thrills. And it's possible you could hold both positions at the same time. Zack Snyder shoots action brilliantly and with two strong lead actors there's some genuine emotion amongst the fan service carnage and overloaded story machinations. A few images are still resonating in my mind. But oh, for a stand alone comic book film that doesn't try to do the turgid set up work for several other movies - something Marvel did a slightly better job of. I suppose what stands out about the whole affair to the uninitiated like myself - something ignored by most critics - is that this is a film purely for the fans. It draws heavily on the actual source comics themselves and delivers one of the closest screen incarnations of superheroes I've ever seen. Look online - fans are predominantly delighted even if most critics are not and it's killing it at the box office. So, like it or not this is the future. And let's flash back to the cinematically disastrous year of 1997 where Batman And Robin almost buried the genre and I guess that future doesn't look so bleak after all.

FINAL SCORE: I'm giving it a solid 6. I enjoyed it but it's a hot mess. If I was a fan it would maybe be a shaky 8. So I should probably give it a 7 then? Hang on, I just remembered my Mum's glazed eyes... 6 it is.

ALTERNATE TITLE: Superman and Batman versus Aliens and Predator